Twelve Days of Christmas 1999
by A. E. O'Neill
[Originally published in the Vancouver Sun, December 9, 1999]
Twelve Tempting Targets...
This year anyone with an internet connection had ample opportunity to take out their frustrations in a controlled environment (while receiving additional target practice free of charge). With all the homicidal fun to be had at joecartoon.com and the proliferation of "elf bowling" and snowball fights that end in carnage, the irresistible urge to unload rounds into actual coworkers may be a thing of the past! And can I just say of Flash animation's descent into cartoon porn and gore, that I saw it coming... but, what's in a name?
Eleven Windows Spawning...
We've all been there... misspell an innocuous domain name and suddenly window after window of naked blondes fill your screen — you click the little "X" and five more pop up — just as your boss walks by! Advertisers must think we can be annoyed into spending, given the onslaught of irritating trends in web marketing that gained popularity in 1999. Banner ads went commando, tricking us into clicking by disguising themselves as games, quizzes, email feedback forms and one with an alt tag that challenged, What are you doing reading this alt tag? It's a banner — you're supposed to click!
Ten Hamsters Dancing...
If you somehow escaped the reign of terror that hampsterdance.com brought to the internet last spring...imagine 200 Pikachu's dancing to the most annoying song you've ever heard, then multiply it times every time someone new in the office discovered it and sent up the warning cry, "You gotta see this! It's the funniest thing!"
Nine Stupid Net Tricks...
1999 saw kidneys and virginity up for auction on eBay, supermodels hawking their eggs in what turned out to be the most elaborate ad for pornography since ourfirsttime.com, and entrepreneurs who missed the boat on domain hoarding when the getting was good — and cheap — were kicking themselves when they read about business.com selling for $7.5 million.
Eight Encrypted Emails...
Living in the info-tainment age is like living in a voyeur's paradise, but someone's always watching the watchers. A recent study showed that 61% of American companies routinely read their employees' email. Between the Hotmail security breach that left Microsoft pointing fingers and mumbling apologies, and the recent case of 23 New York Times employees being fired for "email violations," it's enough to make you long for the days when notes were passed on lined yellow paper while the teacher's back was turned.
Seven Spectacles Streaming...
This was the year that finally saw the internet join traditional news media in bringing us up-to-the-minute news and live broadcasts of all that we wanted to experience from the comfort of our ergonomic chairs. And what a year it was! Fires and middle class mayhem at Woodstock '99, the Columbine Chronicles and saga of the "Slay Trader," mass graves in Kosovo and Mexico, plane crashes all over North America, WTO riots in Seattle... Let me know when the four horsemen are spotted on CNN's satellite and I'll nuke the popcorn.
Six Sassy Sexperts...
A mainstay on every content site that wants to attract an audience not limited to the geek population, the "Sexpert" is the net's newest homebrewed job title. It seems to be defined as any woman who manages to write about men without concluding that an episode of Sex and the City and an hour with the shower massager is a better way to spend the evening.
Five MP3s!
Kiss your hard drive space goodbye and get cozy with your favorite search engine (I recommend Napster)...MP3 Addiction replaces ADD and SAD as the trendiest affliction to infect the online community. I get withdrawal symptoms just looking at my suddenly outdated CD collection. But, as I try to score in the dark alleys of the Internet, searching for pushers of the newest high, paranoia sets in... Is MP3 here to stay? Will it revolutionize the music industry or are we stuck with bands like Painful Itch and Liquid Hamstar? Could I really be charged with possession of The Chemical Brothers' latest? Tune in next year.
Four Fearsome Forwards...
Just when they had us trained to ignore dire forwarded email warnings about killer viruses as we do pleading chain letters insisting we'll win trips to Disneyland or Microsoft products if we just forward it along to everyone we know, they went and cooked up the "Explore.Zip worm" — a real virus with all the qualities of lame hoax.
Three Students Screaming...
As well as providing comedians from every media with endless spoof material, my all-time favorite being The Blair Family Circus Project at brunching.com, the web-fed success of The Blair Witch Project sent a powerful message from consumers to the big movie companies; if it was packaged attractively and marketed effectively, we would eat our own hand. Consumers: I want you to think about what you've done... now, go stand in the corner.
Two Titans Clashing...
To my left... in red, white and blue shorts and top hat, we have "Uncle" Sam, the grizzled symbol of American law and order... and to my right, wearing loafers and an Alex P. Keaton haircut, Bill "The Body" Gates... he's 128 lbs. of grim determination! These two contenders have squared off before, folks, and this time it could get ugly! Let's get ready to... RUMBLE!!
...And a Bunker Stocked for Y2K!